I need really start going with the preparations for my journey. I need to sell my property. In the times of global finance crisis I can not make maximum money, but it does not matter as long as I can pay the needed expenses.

I have been complaining a lot about stupid people. What does it actually mean? What make person stupid? Is that when they don’t act as I would had liked or as I predicted? Is it just for not having enough knowledge? Or maybe stupidity is to have the knowledge but not being able to benefit from it.

Generally people are quite smart. Brain has amazing ability to connect the dots. You can understand the meaning of something by just small hints and intuition. It makes me so frustrated to see that most people do not use this ability. Mostly people do not trust neither their senses or reason. They just want to believe something that other people tell them rather than building their own opinion. That is so sad. I can understand it with things like science, because you can actually test the theories yourself and agree with them.

Religion is different matter. Faith. It is something that everybody needs. We have a big reserve of mental and physical power, but we can not get benefit of it if we don’t believe in ourselves. When you keep believing, things eventually will sort out well. God as a concept developed so that people can believe in something – when they do not believe to themselves anymore. Religion was a thing that developed around the god – it was impossible to believe that he is helping for free. A sacrifice must be given.

When some people discovered the power of religion, they started to use it to control people. With use of religion there is no need to explain why something is not allowed. It is just god’s will. In beginning there was good intentions behind this. The ten commandments can be put short in “Don’t be a dumbass”. Later on the power of religion was harnessed to control people in not so good intentions. You could put people killing each other and giving all the money to you by claiming that it is god’s will.

Today I will not write anything. I hate the feeling that I have, that I should somehow relieve the pressure by putting my thoughts down in writing. Such writing will be nonsense. Why should I write if I don’t have the flow carrying words in my head waiting to be written.

Maybe tomorrow I will get the inspiration to write and to live – before I will pack my stuff and leave.

Silent evening. I’m just standing here listening the ticking of my alarm clock. Some birds are keeping noise outside. I’m relaxed.. at least more than normally. I think I’m always little bit agitated somehow. Too many thoughts travelling through my head. It’s difficult to control them. Every night I wake up sweating like a pig. Only partly remembering the strange dreams. Sometimes I’m writing them down. It’s not many – elseway I could publish them as a book. It would make a good script for a horror movie.

I have lots of stories about misfortunate affairs with girls. That would also make an interesting movie script. Maybe I should write down those stories.

Hahaha. Just a perfect day. I got so lucky today! I was visiting the shadier part of the town in search of sedative drugs that I will need on my trip. I got a deal on a good dose of Valium but the dealer was so happy on the deal that he wanted to give me some ecstasy pills as “antidote”. I was walking back to my car and planning to dump the pills in the nearest trash can when I saw the car of the dickhead grandpa (that I mentioned the other day) parked at the side of the road. Additionally he had left his windows little bit open, so it was very easy to slip in the pouch of ecstasy pills and then go to nearest phone booth to call the cops. I did not stay to see the results but I hope he enjoyed as much as I did.

It’s also a very cool song – Just a perfect day. Kind of music I need at this state of mind. That also must have some kind of sick irony in it. It sounds like his day was everything but perfect. Or maybe he just loves imperfection. Not many things in life are perfect – and that’s the way it should be. Only perfect thing is myself. Everyone else are stupid.

I heard that REM song again today. This time I was really trying to pay attention to the lyrics: “Shiny happy people laughing, shiny happy people holding hands” It’s the same shit through the whole song. Crazy. It must be irony. There is no other option. It’s a mad world.

..that by the way is an excellent song. Not the Tears for Fears -version, but the one from Donnie Darko movie, Performed by Gary Jules. I just love the melancholy in that song. The world just is so sick and that version just nails it. Also the video is cool. The one where kids are forming all kind of images on the sidewalk. It’s very very mad world.

Little bit similar feeling I get from other cover song: Johnny Cash’s Hurt. It’s much better than the original. Especially with the video it’s the testament of a dying man who has done lots of things during his life, but still some things went right. It’s mad world indeed.

Shiny happy people. Have I said this earlier? The song just came out on radio and I don’t find the point in the lyrics. It’s a cool song, but idiotic lyrics. I hate those fucking shiny happy people who polish their surface but are rotten inside. It’s better to be evenly crappy throughout. No surprises. This country is full of smiling idiots who just make sure that their Gant shirts are well ironed and their haircut is just perfect. They smile at you and stab on your back as soon as you turn it at them.

Actually I never really listened the lyrics. Maybe the song is ironic. Maybe also he hates the shiny happy people. A bit same goes with the Springsteen song “Born in the USA”. It’s a very anti-war and anti-USA song, but still all the patriots keep happily singing the chorus with their flags flying. Ingenious to make your enemies to sing song that is against themselves. And they just do not get it. I think it was Bush who told that every american should learn from Bruce. The real American spirit. Hell yeah!

I’m having a Deja Vu -feeling. Not because I’m about to complain about stupid people, but because this particular case sounds very similar to an earlier one. I was driving my car on a highway. I had set the cruise control to a constant speed just a bit above the speed limit (since I know the speedometer shows a little bit too much). There was an old gray haired fucker driving his car well below the limit. I went past him and he was staring at me as if I was a big criminal.

I arrived to the city limit, where the speed limit is dramatically lower. This same idiot kept driving past me at highway speed with a big grin on his face. What the fuck?? I like to drive a bit too fast sometimes, but I still do it kind of proportionally to speed limit. What the hell is wrong with people who keep diving 60 regardless if the speed limit is 30 or 80. What an idiot! And this grandpa kept following me all the way near my home. Fucking pervert. At every traffic lights I was accelerating heavily to get rid of him and he kept driving his constant speed to reach me every time again ad kept smiling. I would had laughed my ass off if police caught that guy – who thought that I’m the wrongdoer. Since I’m such a nice guy I actually should had reported that I’m suspecting that he is driving under influence..

I saw strange dreams again. I was getting chased along the long endless corridors. All the doors were locked and I just heard laughter behind them. I was naked. No one was really chasing me, but I could not stop. I just kept running. I want to stop. People run too much around without destination. I’m not like them. Tonight I will fall asleep listening Puccini’s O Mio Babbino Caro. It brings tears in my eyes. So beautiful.

I need to put myself together somehow. It has been long time since I was able to go on with my preparations. It’s not too easy. I want to do everything right. I don’t want to hurt anyone – including myself. Still I want to leave.

I saw an article that told that some alcohol actually helps you better solve tasks that demand logical thinking. That’s because then you can not concentrate only on one option and that keeps your mind open for creative solutions. I don’t know if I need id. My mind is running too fast already. Jumping from one subject to the next one and trying to draw the lines between the dots.

Especially on my journey I will need something opposite. I will need some kind of sedation to keep myself calm. I need to reach a state of some kind of hibernation so that I would not too much worry about the lack of activities. Sleeping has always been my favourite hobby so it should not be big issue.

All the supplies need to be purchased. I need to get money for all this somehow. Over the years I have been investing my earnings in real estate, stock market, art etc. Current financial crisis does not provide the best timing to sell everything, but I will not need to worry about the losses as long as the money is enough to buy everything that I need.

I should do a list of needed things, but I’m too tired to do that. I’m just laying on my bed and dreaming. I have been living a good life, but it could had been so much better. I put on some nice music. Youtube search for “Beautiful music” brings some truly amazing pieces of music. Ave Maria.